Can I just get laid already? Omfg.

Oh goodness. 

Goodnight guys, I’ll update more tomorrow, hopefully.

I ushered Slade to come on the bed with me and I pressed my body against his. He felt so warm and he smelled just like the sweater and just like my blankets and my entire room, it smelled of him and me, of my perfumes and his cologne, of our body sweat just from sleeping in this poorly insulated house, of my lip glosses and his deodorants. My entire room had always been a mixture of our scents and I loved it, I basked in it. It helped me sleep when he wasn’t able to join me in bed and it helped me wake in the morning when I didn’t want to move. Now I was starting to realize something I’d been blind to for so long. 

“Slade, I never thought I’d be able to fall in love with anyone. I thought the loss of my mother at such a young age would fuck me up so badly that I could never see enough worth in myself or in anything in life to properly love and care for a person. For the last two years you’ve lived here I have been a royal bitch to you. I have pranked you, I have tortured you, I have almost kissed you, I’ve seen you naked - accidentally, and I’ve slept with you, night after night you slept by my side never attempting anything you knew I wouldn’t like. Never trying to cuddle even when I knew you were sad falling asleep. Never once did you make me feel uncomfortable because you wanted to satiate  your basic needs. I’ve been stupid and I want to make up all my wrongs to you. I want to make everything up to you. I want to make you happy. I want to make you as happy as you’ve made me these past years. I owe you that much.”
“You do that everyday, Daciana.”

Slade came home later that night and snuck into the bathroom to take a quick shower before coming into my bedroom. I planned it out all perfectly, when he pulled up in the driveway, I stripped my clothes and laid out on my bed waiting for him. So when he came into my bedroom with his nothing but his underwear on, expecting to see the lights off and me curled up in a snoring ball, I knew I would surprise him.

“Uh..Daciana?”

I managed to pull away from Frederick and I fell onto my bed, holding my knees close to me. I could smell Slade’s familiar smell on his sweater that I’d worn to bed tonight because it was cold. He was out doing a gig at the local dive tonight, trying to get some scrap money for a new guitar. I couldn’t do this to him. I couldn’t do this to Sam…my best friend, who lay pregnant and alone just upstairs from me and her fiance. Frederick crawled next to me placing his hand across my shoulders and trying to bring me close but I tried my best to pull away. I didn’t want to be that close to him ever again. Not with things like this.

“Dace, I’m sorry…”

I paused and looked at him, trying to hold back any emotion from showing on my face. I was angry, I was scared, I was sad and I was fucking horny as hell. 

“Please just go, Frederick.”

After Frederick left my bedroom to join Sam upstairs, no doubt, I went to go curl my hair before Slade came home.

“Frederick, stop. We should stop.”

I could barely make out the words. And instead of an understanding nod and a gentle shove of me off of him, Frederick responded by pushing his lips against mine and pressing his tongue past my lips, he held me closer to him and all I could do was struggle to get off of him. But he pulled me closer on top of him, kissing me and rubbing against my body. The sensations I was feeling were sending my head swimming and all I could do was grunt and moan in a pathetic protest.

Frederick pulled me on top of him, I felt so cold and yet so warm sitting on his lap. I’d never felt this, never experienced anything even remotely like this, and here I was in the arms of a man I’d admired from afar for almost four years of my life. My Dad’s best friend and my best friend’s fiance and future father of her child. This was wrong. Every piece of this puzzle was wrong and none of them fit together. 

“Are you still a virgin, baby girl?”
“Yes.”

I could barely breathe out the words. I was practically dead at this point.

“We can change that tonight, can’t we?”

Frederick crawled onto the bed and pulled me close to him. His breath was warm and minty on my cheeks and his cologne was like this musky scent that just filled my entire presence. He was so overbearing and so sexy all in one. This moment that I had been waiting for since I was 16 was taking my breath away and I had no response to it. 

“I have always thought you were so beautiful. Too beautiful for me.”
“But…Sam?” 

I said, out of breath.

“She’s a sweetheart, but you are the one I’ve found myself falling for more and more.”

“Do you remember when you taught me how to drive?”
“Yeah.”
“You know how cool I thought you were? Ha. That you were teaching me to drive and not my own father. Or my mom…”
“Dace, I was just helpin’ out you-“
“I know, but it meant so much to me then.”

I took a deep breath and kept my hands close by my sides. Frederick was so beautiful even now sitting on my bed, even with how angry I was at him. It wasn’t his fault. He had no idea. He never had.

“You young kids, haha.”
“Frederick..”
“Sorry, I know you’re an adult now, Dace.”
“Yes. And do you remember that day? The day you took Sam to have a threesome with you and Cy upstairs in your bedroom?”
“….”
“She told me all the details.”
“Ohhhh…well-“
“I don’t think any differently of you, Frederick. But that day Sam broke my heart and I told myself if you wouldn’t have me, and you’d choose Sam over me, then no one could possibly love me.”
“Daciana, you know that’s not true. I mean, I don’t like Slade but-“
“I know.”
“And I didn’t say I wouldn’t chose you, you know.”
“What?”